Recently, I discovered that isolation had crept into my life. Inviting a dear friend to my house had me in tears at the idea that my home wouldn’t measure up. I realized it had been a year since anyone had been in my home but me. At the root was a fear that my home wouldn’t measure up to her beautiful house. The old “Not good enough...” tape continued to play and I hid in fear that it was true. It wasn’t.
As I’ve continued to do the personal healing work that is so necessary for all of us, I also discovered that so much of my struggle with weight has been rooted in my desire to not be noticed by men or be thought of as a woman. It also kept me in my feelings of not being as attractive (inferior, therefore) as my thinner-and-therefore-prettier friends. It may not show on the outside, but that’s because it has been carefully hidden away behind the boisterous laugh and confident façade.
These revelations were not fun to admit! I thought I had dealt with so much of the self-defeating crap that had used up so much of energy before. And I had, in some areas. But there are still corners of my soul where fear lives, areas that only a Savior and deep community can reach. I can’t do it myself.
I spend a great deal of my time helping people to understand that they are lovable and valuable just as they are. I spend a lot of time helping people to process their traumas because of abuse and learn to love themselves.
Clearly, I had missed the fact that God’s love does not discriminate and that I, too, am lovable and valuable. God’s love has brought me a long way and will continue. In some areas of my life I have made great strides in being who he created me to be. But what I know for sure is that this is all a process. It is the process of silver being refined, all of the impurities be removed during times of high heat.
So I will do what I encourage others to do. I will be intentional in coming out of hiding. I will open myself up understanding that sometime it will be joyous and sometimes it will not, but I am determined to do it!
After all, we’re doing this together…and Jesus is there. And the blessings will not be found where we are hiding. We must get out, seeing and experiencing them.
Will you come out of hiding with me?
“I am confident that the Creator, who has begun such a great work among you, will not stop in mid-design but will keep perfecting you until the day Jesus the Anointed, our Liberating King, returns to redeem the world.” Phil 1:6