I don’t do well in this almost-but-not-quite space of not knowing what the next few months hold for me – waiting on God and others to move, while I do the preparation. When you combine this waiting period with serious disappointment in someone I thought was a friend, it’s hard to be my usual perky and optimistic self. As a result, I’m annoyed with my life and some of the people in it. I’m also very frustrated that I can’t flip a switch and get over it all. And, I am overwhelmed at all that has to be done in order to move forward to the beautiful things that await me.
My default behavior during funky times is to blame myself for not having it together enough to do everything well, convinced that everyone else around me has it all together and stands in judgment of me, the publicly imperfect one. My frustration beckons me to retreat into isolation and numbing myself with television, computer games, and food. It is a beckoning that I am mostly able to resist.
The little train in my head defaults to “Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough.” It all but drowns out the voice of grace coming directly from the loving and grace-filled God of the universe. And the comparison game keeps me looking at others and wondering why I am not as successful, thin, love, beautiful, popular, blessed, as they are.
At times like this, it is hard to receive grace and even harder to give it. So, I’m trying to remember that God is patient with me, even as I am impatient. I am reminding myself that even when I can’t see or feel God, he is there. I am whispering prayers asking God to work things out, to show up in ways that my heart will know that he is there. I ask him to peel away the layers of ick and dis-ease that keep me a word away from tears, frustration, and anger.
As I have been writing this post over the last couple of days, this funk is lifting. I learned long ago the value of sitting in my mess for a short time, confessing it to God, and replacing the lie that I am not good enough with the truth that God calls me “Beloved.” Therein, lays the key:
You cannot merely get rid of the lies without replacing them with God’s truth.
Our souls will die in a vacuum if they are not given the oxygen of the truth that the God of the universe loves us - deeply, completely, fully. Despite what we think about ourselves, his love remains.
I have identified the source(s) of this current feeling and am working through them so that they are no longer obstacles to the next part of my journey. I am putting them behind me and putting a stop to the comparison game.
So here it is, beloveds. Rise up from the mess you have been sitting in, turn your face to God who loves you. It is time to step forward and get the heck out of Funky Town, time to take to heart the message of God to Israel, and make it ours, and get ready to shake our tambourines:
“Those who survive the coming destruction
will find blessings even in the barren land,
for I will give rest to the people of Israel.”
3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel:
“I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love.
With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.
4 I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel.
You will again be happy
and dance merrily with your tambourines.
- Jeremiah 31: 2-4